Violet (Song Lyrics and a Father's Memories)
i really love (like crazy, mind you!) her essay! therefore, i demand you to read it!
here it goes:
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Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place,
suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace.
Suddenly my life doesn’t seem such a waste;
it all revolves around you.
I recall the day of your birth with fondness; the way your cries penetrated the walls of the delivery room to the waiting area outside, where I was looking forward to the doctor’s happy news. When I could finally enter the room, I remember dashing to your mother’s side and pecking her on her forehead before I started playing with you. You grabbed my finger with your tiny hand that day; I remember it because the world stood still for that one minute, while you had me entranced by your innocent gaze.
You were the most beautiful baby girl I’d ever laid my eyes on, and I was so proud of having the honour of being your father. Your mother’s name was Ruby, so I thought it apt to name you Violet.
And there’s no mountain too high, no river too wide
Sing out this song and I’ll be there by your side.
Storm clouds may gather, stars may collide;
but I love you until the end of time.
You used to cry a lot when you were growing up. I supposed that was to be expected; you were born with a slight touch of autism after all, I should have known from the pamphlets that change affected you more than anyone else. Even though I was impatient at times and struck at you unnecessarily in spates of anger, parts of me tried to reign in my temper for your sake. The other parts just refused to acknowledge the fact that you, of all the children in the world, were autistic. Compounded with the fact that I had no preconceived notion on how to raise girls, I assumed it was the same as raising a boy, which explains my strict discipline –my reign of terror- over you.
This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I’d never fall apart
you always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed, but I have loved you from the start.
I admit I turned into a paranoid maniac during your early teenage years; with your mother’s unexpected death and my retrenchment, it was hard to be three people at once: a mother, a father and a breadwinner. One of the only things I was relieved off at that time was that you were officially diagnosed as cleared of autism. I knew you were trying to help by wanting to find a part time job but I just didn’t want to let you. I led you into thinking it was due to arrogance just so that you wouldn’t go ahead, and I remember your screaming fits over this matter. The truth was that I didn’t let you go ahead simply because I wanted to provide the easiest life for you that I could, and I didn’t want you to suffer with me.
I suppose it was then when I started losing you. You fell in with the wrong crowd in time and you indulged in all the things I should be protecting you from – alcohol, drugs and promiscuity. Oh, you thought you hid it well away from me but I wouldn’t have found out if I didn’t swallow your ecstasy pills thinking they were painkillers, or stumbling across the stash of condoms in your room when I was cleaning it. The only reason why I never confronted you about it was because I didn’t want to lose you any further than I already had.
I would hold you in my arms; I would take the pain away.
Thank you for all you’ve done, forgive all your mistakes.
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to hear your voice again.
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won’t be there.
You filled my heart with despair that fateful Monday evening when I returned from work only to find you gone. As if the wound wasn’t deep enough, the three simple words you scrawled on your mirror only succeeded in plunging the knife deeper. I spent the rest of that night, as well as subsequent nights for the next two months, searching for you until 4 a.m. in the morning. When I wasn’t looking for you, I’d be crying in your room while looking through photographs of the ghost of our past happiness, while hoping the police would call with good news any minute. I didn’t care about anything else anymore; I just wanted my baby angel found.
And when no hope was left in sight
on that starry, starry night,
you took your life, as lovers often do.
My heart broke on my 40th birthday when the police called to announce that you were found dead in a motel room. You were only 16 when you swallowed that fatal mix of ecstasy and sleeping pills. Every subsequent day would pass with me drowning in more and more regret. I would tell myself over and over again that I should have been a better father; that I should have tried to get you to kick the habit… I rebuked myself to sleep every night.
I’m sorry for blaming you
for everything I just couldn’t do
and I’ve hurt myself by hurting you.
Two butterflies, one a shining ruby red, the other a perfect violet hue, pass by the window chasing each other in a gaily waltz. And I notice all this as I close my eyes for the last time on my death bed, while my last hope is to see you two in heaven.
Would you know my nameif I saw you in heaven?
Will it be the sameif I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong, and carry on
cause I know I don’t belong
here in heaven.
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wonderful!
though i love writing very much, i doubt that i can write beautifully like her. very touching indeed.
read them here: original post.
and she is a friend in Blogskins.com. her user name is maskeraid.! and if you're interested, visit her blog-carolyn.
okay, enough. i'm tired.
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