he's really gone..

Everyone cried, saying that they were closed to him. How he had helped them, how he had joked with them..

But when I didn't cry that much, they just assumed that I wasn't that close to him.

What they don't realize is that he's more of a father to me than my own.

He was the one who taught me to eat vegetables, when my own dad doesn't even realize I can't eat them.
He was the one who would eat the pineapples from of my meals, when my own dad doesn't even know I'm allergic to it.
He was the one who would send and fetch me to and from school, when my dad is at home, sleeping.
He was the first to teach me to pray.
He was the one who loves to entertain my passion for debates, when nobody wants to hear me. He would listen to what I have to say, and points me where I'm wrong. He would admit that I'm right, something that is rare for someone as old as him to do - admit that they're wrong. Which proves that he is unique.
He taught me about life, he taught me everything. He's the one among them who looks at me without judging. He's the one who believes that someday, I will do just as great. He's the only one who knew the real me..

I feel his loss like it was my own dad that died. Maybe I even grieve for him more than I would ever grieve for my own dad. I'm not saying that I don't love my dad.. I do, but he's not always there for me when I need him..

I don't cry, doesn't mean I don't feel.. I just don't know how to deal with everything that happens..

My day sucked.

My day sucked.

Maybe I got up on the wrong side of bed this morning, but I doubt it since I wake up on the same side every other day and they're not this bad.

I slept at 4 AM (methinks) because I spent the night playing Portal 2.. Mum woke me up at 6AM. Aside from a mild headache, I was fairly okay.

I checked my FB, and there were two inbox messages. This is where it all started.

The messages were from none other than my twisted stalker. First message was about how he dreamt of me, blahblah, and he said he read my FB notes and thought my stories were good, so he asked (no, demand is more like it) me to write a love story between us, or maybe a love poem for me. WTH. His second message was how he couldn't live anymore because he's so tormented, so stressed, blahblah. He made it sounded like I was the reason he doesn't want to live, I was to blame for his agony and one of these days, he's gonna end it all by drinking half of the coughing syrup. So he'd overdosed.

I replied: I never write a story, let alone poem, for someone I don't really care. Not to mention I'm not in the mood to write any. As to your second message, at this rate, if you don't kill yourself, let me have the honour. I would really love to. I'm sick of people trying to guilt me. Screw you.
 
So that's over.

Mum wanted me to accompany her to the hospital. I hate hospital, but because I love her, I went along. Then I saw him. I. SAW. HIM. It was bad! Weeks of trying to get over him once and for all, had been erased at the mere glimpse of him. My heart even skipped a beat at the sound of his voice. Fuck.

And when we got back to the car, I got an earful from mum.
"I like him like my son and I don't want to lose him because of your foolishness."
"Why can't you two at least be civil."
Blahblahblahblahblah.
Yes, yes, I'm the bad guy (or girl) here. Just drive the effing car. -___-


So I told Mali. At first, he was being nice, gave me advice and all that.
"As long as you still haven't made peace with whatever that had happened between the two of you, you can never start a new life. You'll forever be haunted with his ghost."
He asked what really happened, I told him. Then of course, being the bastard that he is, he too, admonished me.
Yes, yes, I'm the crook.


Everyone thinks I'm wrong, that I held a grudge over nothing. Is there no one on my side? Am I really fighting this fight alone?


Well, I have my brothers.. But they're biased. There were no love lost between them to begin with. They liked Mali, but I don't think I'm going to introduce them anytime soon. My brothers, to me, were the most important people in my life and I don't want to introduce any of my friends if they're not planning on sticking around for long. I've been wanting to introduce my best bud the a6et to them because I'm convinced that he's the only guy in my life that I have a steady relationship with. He's not going anywhere.

In conclusion, I feel like a bitch today, because everybody makes me feel like one. I'm tired of explaining myself so I'm just gonna let them think what they want.

I never want to kill anything more than I do right now.

UPDATE.

Saya fikir selama ini lelaki itu hanya rambling. (Rambling cakap melayu apa kan?) Saya tidak begitu mengenalinya.. Pertemuan kami hanya sekali, sewaktu dia menemani sepupunya, yang juga merangkap teman baik saya berkunjung ke rumah semasa Hari Raya. Saya juga tidak pernah bercakap dengannya, kerana waktu itu, dia hanya mendiamkan diri. Saya juga tidak selesa berborak dengan orang yang saya tidak kenali. Saya ingat pada awal tahun, dia hendak menjadi kawan saya di Facebook. Ramai yang bergelar kawan saya tidak pernah sekalipun datang ke rumah, tetapi dia pernah, jadi saya anggap dia sebagai kawan. Saya tidak pernah mengambil tahu tentang dia, dan pada awalnya, dia tidak selalu mengupdate status (apakan tu melayunya?!!).. Sejak beberapa bulan kebelakangan, dia semakin rajin.. Dan baru jam ini saya sedari bahawa setiap kali status saya mengandungi lirik lagu, dia akan sambung lirik itu sebagai statusnya. Statusnya juga banyak yang seolah-olah membalas status saya. Contohnya:

Saya: I think I might be fallen in love.
Dia: I wish it were me you're falling for.

Saya: No, you're not perfect.. By everyone else's standard. By mine you are.. They don't set the rules, I am.
Dia: I'm not perfect, but I'm willing to try to at least meet your standard.

Saya: I can't let him break whatever's left of my broken heart.
Dia: I swear to you, here and now that I will never break your heart.

Saya: Just because you love someone doesn't mean you should stick around and screw up their life
Dia: I'd rather have my life screwed, if it means that you're still in it.

Dan banyak lagi lirik lagu yang disambungnya. Saya copy-paste (awu ngam sudah tu..). Pada mulanya saya fikir ini hanya kebetulan, tapi kebetulan kah namanya, jika ia terjadi berulang kali? Lagipun dia mengupdate statusnya sejurus selepas saya update. 3 minutes ago, 5 minutes ago, dan yang paling lama, 3 hours ago.

ANTAM.. Eh tapi banar wah.

L.A Noire

So I've beaten the game.. And I regretted it.

Because I haven't finished street crimes and driven 40 vehicles. Damn. Because it was Rockstar's game, I had assumed we could free roam after we've beaten the game. Damn!

SPOILER:

I love Cole Phelps!

He's awesome. He's cute. His expressions when questioning are so cute! He died in the end. Kinda figures. He had an extra-marital affair with a German singer, Elsa Lichtmann, despite being married.

Elsa reminds me of Casablanca.

In Casablanca, Elsa wasn't a singer and certainly wasn't a German. Her husband, Laszlo, and she came to Casablanca for visas to America. Elsa dated Rick, the bar owner, when her husband was in prison, if I'm not mistaken. In L.A Noire, Elsa and her friend, Lou fled from Germany during Hitler's rise of power, and were detained for four years on Ellis Island in New York. After Lou was killed, she had an affair with Cole Phelps, a married American Detective.

I love Phelps's partner in Traffic.

Stephan Bekowsky!

I despised Roy Earle, from the moment he backhanded Elsa. Not to mention, he's a snake.

And I don't care enough about Jack Kelso to love him or hate him. Just indifferent. Even though he's kind of a major character towards the end.

L.A Noire also managed to make me choked on my water..

It was when Cole was searching for a suspect, and it involved a hotel registry.

Apparently, checked in the hotel were Clark Gable, Humphrey Bogard, Marilyn Monroe, Vivian Leigh, Bing Crosby, Cory Grant, Robert Mitchum, Virginia Mayo, Danny Kaye and so on. And the suspect registered his name as Winston Churchill. I was like, what the...? Maybe all the ledger in the game were filled with actors and actresses in that era, but the ledger in this hotel made me cracked because I recognize them. Seriously, Clark Gable? He's my love!

I love L.A Noire so much that I think I'm going to play it second time. I love the music, the cars, the outfits, everything in the game. I love Rockstar!

Other Note:

Don't bullshit me by saying you love me, and then randomly adding hundreds of other girls' Facebook. And don't insult my intelligence by saying, "they're just for friends". Seriously, don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining. How stupid do you I am? I hate bullshitters, and don't make me hate you.

I'm not talking about Mali because in his defense, he never actually say he loves me. We're just.. uh.. fuck buddies. HAHAAHA!