Crisis of life

So.. You familiar with the term midlife crisis, right? Yeah, I just turned 20 last month, and I believe I’m experiencing early life crisis. No kidding.

Because you see, I have this nonsensically strong desire to be married. I don’t know when it started; I just know that I want to marry. Right now. Whenever I see people happily married, or marriages crumbling, I think to myself, “I can do better.”

I am not delusional. I know I’m not perfect. I am immature. I’m 20, but sometimes I tend to act like I’m 12. If I want something, you must give it to me because if you don’t, I will whine about it every second. I am irrational. Sometimes, even if I know I’m wrong, I don’t want to apologize. I’m a whiny, irrational and ungrateful bitch.

But I need someone who can see underneath all that, there’s something worth loving.

I need someone who can deal with me, like my mum does. I need someone who can listen to me tolerantly when I whine. I need someone who can tell me that I’m being stupid, fight with me till I cry and still hug me at the end of the day. I need someone who can treat me like a child that I am, and still respect me as an adult. I need someone who don’t put up with my shit but sometimes entertain it. I need someone who can cook for me and tell me he loves me even though I am awfully lazy.

I need someone who can love me unreservedly, no matter how difficult I am to deal with.

20 more years from now, I will be having midlife crisis. I expect that I will whine about how I hate my stupid husband. I expect that I will regret my decision of having his babies and blame them for my hideous figure. Then I will be attracted to younger men, because they seem fun and adventurous, unlike my boring husband who all he does when he come home from work are cook. I will want inexperienced younger men because they’ll do what I want without questioning me, unlike my husband who points out my mistake and fight me when I say fuck him. I will want younger men because at 40, I will feel like I’m still young and I need to be with someone who can understand me, unlike my husband who seem way too old for me.

And 40 years from now, I will be having late life crisis. I know that I will be crying on my bed, holding my aged husband’s hand while he sleeps. I will be recalling every memories of my life with him and cry even harder. I will look at him and know that I won’t want any others to father my babies but him. I will be remembering how he cooks and does the laundry when after I whine to him about my sore feet after work. I will be remembering how he will massage my sore body after we’re done eating, even though I know he was also stressed about work. I will be remembering the way he whispers to me that he promises to protect me from making stupid mistakes that will only hurt me in the end, even if he has to fight me. I will be tracing every wrinkle in his face, knowing that each wrinkle represents his worry for me, and for our children.

And he wakes up, and asks me why I am crying. I will tell him how remorseful I am for being selfish and I feel guilty because he stuck with me when he can have nicer girl and be a lot happier. Then he will pull me to his arm and whisper to me, like he always does whenever I cry, “If we can turn back the time, I will marry you again in a heartbeat.”

I will know that I can never hope for any better man to spend my last days with.

Honestly, I don’t know when this turned to a story. I just wanted to rant about how I’m having an early life crisis. -_-

I guess I failed to mention that I have a crazy wide imagination. And concentration problem. Yep, my future husband sure has a lot to deal with.

Can't sleep, I'm rambling!

My mum will start her therapy this week. Or so. My head aches. I can't sleep. I'm afraid.. This hurts. :(

I'm wondering if I should change my blog's name. But I love my blog's name. Sigh..

I went to my family get-together, which I don't really like. Especially when they invite distant ones. I hate crowds and distant families are no exception. There are so many fakes and judgmental jerks. They didn't come to us when we needed them, and when they finally did, all they do is tell us what we should and should not do. Or they just boast about how lives are good. It usually made my closer ones felt bad about their lives after that, but they still invite the distant ones because "they're still family". Fuckers. IMO, just because they're blood-related, doesn't mean they're family. I have a family here, those who are not blood-related to me. I don't need them fuckers. I still have Areef, Myzah, Leena, Abg Afi, Ryan. I still have those who would wipe my tears when I cry, those who would pick me up when I'm down, and those who would stand my screams and whines even if I called them at two in the morning. I still have those who loves me unconditionally. These are my family, and screw the blood.

In those awful events, my brothers and sister are what make it tolerable.

Eh, I looked horrible, I know. I spent the entire day in the hospital with mum, and then went to the get-together. I was beyond exhausted. I could care less about appearance. I wouldn't have come if it weren't for my sister's pleading. And brother's. Bless them. <3

May wouldn't be bad.. I think?

I was volcanically angry.

Volcanically.

I learnt a new word today.

Volcanically.

From Charlaine Harris's website. First chapter of Dead Reckoning.

OH MY GOD! OMFG! I'm hyperventilating!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ALMOST MAY!

A trip to Popular Bookstore in Miri is so in order! Omg. It's gonna hit the shelf on 3rd May! I'm gonna take my time grieving on the second day of May, and then I'm gonna spend the day after, and after, hyperventilating, until I get my hand on the book! How cool is that!? 

Oh my god. 

To top the suffocation, L.A Noir is going to be released as well!

Just what I need. A cure for a broken heart. Magical one.

New book to memorize, new Eric to obsess over, new following fanfic to plot.

I guess this May wouldn't be so bad after all.

Angel..

Sparkling angel

I believe

You are my saviour

In my time of need

Blinded by faith

I couldn't hear

All the whispers

The warning's so clear

I see the angels

I'll lead them to your door

There is no escape now

Now mercy no more

No remorse 'cause I still remember

The smile when you tore me apart

You took my heart

Deceived me right from the start

You showed me dreams

I wished they'd turn to real

You broke the promise

And made me realise

It was all just a lie

Sparkling angel

Couldn't see

Your dark intentions

Your feelings for me

Fallen angel

Tell me why?

What is the reason?

The thorn in your eye

I see the angels

I'll lead them to your door

There is no escape now

No mercy no more

No remorse 'cause I still remember

The smile when you tore me apart

Could have been forever

Now we have reached the end

Family hotness.

Was watching a movie starring Gustaf Skarsgard. Because he's my brother-in-law. HAHA!

No, he's Alex's brother.

I was expecting him to be as hot as Alex but ehh. He's not even half as hot as their father - Stellan, who's about a quarter less hot than Alex.

He could pass as Sookie's brother in True Blood though, if Ryan Kwanten's ever lost interest in playing Jason.

I still love Alex. No one, I mean, NO ONE can beat him.

Sexiest Man Alive.
Hottest Man Ever Walked The Earth.
Lickable Abs Ever.
Pair Of Eyes To Die For.

Even his hands are sexy! I love him. Seriously, like a 13-years-old crazy over Bieber. Or effing Edward - whatever, either one sucks (haha, this reminds me that Edward has no fangs. He's like, a handicapped vampire. Couldn't imagine how ugly his bite is. Oh wait, he can't bite either. Venom thingy. Bella must've wished she met Eric first.. Aw, you poor girl..) the same.

But at least Alex's worth obsessing over.



I really should sleep. My back hurts like motherfucker. I'm starting to regret this whole working thing.

Maybe I could just marry someone, give birth to 6 kids and stay at home, watching them grow, like a good ol' mother. *snort*

Yep, no thank you.

I am bound.

I was managing my older posts when I saw a comment, asking me where do I post my stories. Well dearies, these are the answer.

I published all my stories on FanFiction.net and my Livejournal account, under a pseudonym.

Keyword: PSEUDONYM.

A pseudonym (literally, "false name") is a name that a person (or, sometimes, a group) assumes for a particular purpose and that differs from his or her original orthonym (or 'true name'). Pseudonyms are often used to hide an individual's real identity, as with writers' pen names, graffiti artists' tags, resistance fighters' or terrorists' noms de guerre, and computer hackers' handles.

Comprende?

I do not want to publish it here because some (if not all) my stories are rated M. It contains violence, strong language and sexual contents. While I could give a rat's ass about my readers' moral, I am, however, bound to respect other authors who had helped me connecting the plots.

Meaning to say, I don't actually write the sex scenes. It's (obviously!) not my area of expertise. I only write plots leading to it, but my second is the one responsible for the steamy scenes. If she/he do not give their consent, I cannot publish my stories to other site. And then, there's also my beta. She/he proofreads my stories and correct all the grammatical errors, which I am bound to commit in my eagerness to complete a chapter.

Capiche?

Thank you so much all.

I give up.

You read right. I'm working now. And I'm mighty busy.

But I don't neglect the ones I call friends. And I sure as hell won't abandon the one I call special one. You could greet me a month prior, I don't care. I just want to know that you cared. But nooooo, you insist on keeping me out of the loop. You told me you have no time for msn because you're TOO busy. That used to baffle me, you know. Because I have this one friend, he's an intern, he'll be a doctor in a couple of years. He's practically swimming in tons of assignments, but never once did he forget to send me an email. AN EMAIL. This friend of mine, he knew he'd never have me but it doesn't stop him from trying. He keep on saying that, one day, maybe, with some luck, he'll win. It's practically the same with every guys I've met.

You know my number, all you have to do was open your phone, type a short message, key in my number and hit the send button. I told those guys, all those efforts might not have a happy ending. Because I was trying, and still waiting too. You know this, and you stopped trying years ago. Hell, you had stopped the moment you knew I loved you. YOU took me for granted, like I'm some worthless shit you can throw away and take back whenever you want.

Well guess what, if the guys won't stop trying and still stubbornly waiting, fighting the fight they might not win, I'm not. Not anymore. I give up. It's been 8 fucking years. I can't do it. So now, I won't bother you no more. Please don't waste your free time to make excuses. I'm tired of your games.

Unripe sweetness.

"Siapa nah? Guess."
"Um si Abu."
"HAHA. Pasal apa ko pikir I like him?"
"Pasal I saw you smiled arah ia, sweet. Not like the smile you gave us all."
"HAHAHAHA I smiled to everyone jua, not just ia."
"True but not as sweet. Ngam kan? Hehe first guess. Am I great or what."
"Sal apa dulu.."

"When you look at him, he'd look away. When you look away, he'd stare. You seem to look everywhere but him. Kalau kamu sama2 liat, you'd look down and ia senyum2. Masa awal2, he's the one yg tanya if you're taken. Kami semua tanya your FB, formspring, twitter, everything but that. Then ia selalu cakap about you tapi when you're with us, ia inda cakap apa2 pun."

"Wow. That obvious?"
"I don't think semua noticed pulang.. Ada sorang dua saja, durang tanya sal you arah ia."
"Kali ia kata?"
"Ia deny lah. He's not that stupid."
"Awhhhhh."
"But ia ada tanya about your number though. And email. The way ia tanya cali."
"Pasal?"
"Ia kata ada work alum siap but I think he's the only one yg do what you asked. Which ia inda pernah buat before."
"Yeah I realized. He's the good ones. -___-"
"So you bagi la ni?"
"No way. Not even email."
"But you gave syazwan, no?"
"Well he doesn't like me like that."
"You know, he has a lots of fans but he's never show any interest at them. But he's obsessed over you since day one. Since the very first moment he saw you."
"Yakan? Kenapa ia no interest?"
"Entah lah. We thought ia gay pulang. He won't even talk to girls"
"Wow.."

Do you think love at first sight is really possible?

But boy he's sweet!! His name's not really Abu, by the way. I just want him to be anonymous. Goodness. He's a year younger. I don't date younger guys.. And I don't think I really like him because of him, you know. I think I only like him because he reminds me of someone.

Not to mention that we can't be together. Rules at work. Damn.  -________-

So we just have to forget everything lah. Damn.

SCREW YOU!

Screw your pathetic excuses.

Screw your puppy eyes.

Screw your innocent-looking face.

Screw this.

SCREW YOU!