Crisis of life

So.. You familiar with the term midlife crisis, right? Yeah, I just turned 20 last month, and I believe I’m experiencing early life crisis. No kidding.

Because you see, I have this nonsensically strong desire to be married. I don’t know when it started; I just know that I want to marry. Right now. Whenever I see people happily married, or marriages crumbling, I think to myself, “I can do better.”

I am not delusional. I know I’m not perfect. I am immature. I’m 20, but sometimes I tend to act like I’m 12. If I want something, you must give it to me because if you don’t, I will whine about it every second. I am irrational. Sometimes, even if I know I’m wrong, I don’t want to apologize. I’m a whiny, irrational and ungrateful bitch.

But I need someone who can see underneath all that, there’s something worth loving.

I need someone who can deal with me, like my mum does. I need someone who can listen to me tolerantly when I whine. I need someone who can tell me that I’m being stupid, fight with me till I cry and still hug me at the end of the day. I need someone who can treat me like a child that I am, and still respect me as an adult. I need someone who don’t put up with my shit but sometimes entertain it. I need someone who can cook for me and tell me he loves me even though I am awfully lazy.

I need someone who can love me unreservedly, no matter how difficult I am to deal with.

20 more years from now, I will be having midlife crisis. I expect that I will whine about how I hate my stupid husband. I expect that I will regret my decision of having his babies and blame them for my hideous figure. Then I will be attracted to younger men, because they seem fun and adventurous, unlike my boring husband who all he does when he come home from work are cook. I will want inexperienced younger men because they’ll do what I want without questioning me, unlike my husband who points out my mistake and fight me when I say fuck him. I will want younger men because at 40, I will feel like I’m still young and I need to be with someone who can understand me, unlike my husband who seem way too old for me.

And 40 years from now, I will be having late life crisis. I know that I will be crying on my bed, holding my aged husband’s hand while he sleeps. I will be recalling every memories of my life with him and cry even harder. I will look at him and know that I won’t want any others to father my babies but him. I will be remembering how he cooks and does the laundry when after I whine to him about my sore feet after work. I will be remembering how he will massage my sore body after we’re done eating, even though I know he was also stressed about work. I will be remembering the way he whispers to me that he promises to protect me from making stupid mistakes that will only hurt me in the end, even if he has to fight me. I will be tracing every wrinkle in his face, knowing that each wrinkle represents his worry for me, and for our children.

And he wakes up, and asks me why I am crying. I will tell him how remorseful I am for being selfish and I feel guilty because he stuck with me when he can have nicer girl and be a lot happier. Then he will pull me to his arm and whisper to me, like he always does whenever I cry, “If we can turn back the time, I will marry you again in a heartbeat.”

I will know that I can never hope for any better man to spend my last days with.

Honestly, I don’t know when this turned to a story. I just wanted to rant about how I’m having an early life crisis. -_-

I guess I failed to mention that I have a crazy wide imagination. And concentration problem. Yep, my future husband sure has a lot to deal with.