New resident in Shitville. Welcome!

Well.. Except for the quick flash of joy, which came in forms of:

1. My best buddy Areef a.k.a the Ret's very lengthy albeit minutes early birthday message and very creative email from Jeremy all the way from Australia,
2. Followed by notes from Leena, Myzah, and Tiffy,
3. New special forum thread by EPS crew, made by Sangheili, (which got me more than 25 wishes).
4. A story banner made by a fan for my (unfinished) story. *which I will post after I finished my story. Pfft.)
5. A short but appreciated messages from Yadie and my family and cousins.

(I've cut all ties from my former colleagues and there are the only few friends I deemed to be worth keeping. These are some of the few.)

My birthday sucked.


My brothers were too busy to come for a visit, my father did not remember her ONLY daughter's birthday and the worst of it? My mum is ill, so ill that she requires a major surgery to heal. A surgery she's too afraid to perform. I'm damn worried about losing her, and she's afraid of ghosts waiting to maim her in the hospital when she's recovering after the surgery.

To add salt to the injury,

All these years, I so foolishly thought, I held a special place in someone's heart. The person who is responsible for my not moving on.
But, that one person.. DOES NOT remember this date.

I ask for nothing. Even when we're still together, I never ask for a single worldly possession. Not once. I seek only acknowledgement of my existence.. Knowing that I cross your pretty little head every once in a while. Is that too much to ask? I can't believe I stayed whole night and day waiting by the phone, and hoping to God for the incoming message to be from you.

Yadie hurts girls. That's what he does. And I hurt him. Many times that I've lost count. I'm like his living karma. But even he remembers my birthday. He never failed to wish me, even though it's just a simple "happy birthday." Never. He's not a bad guy. Maybe to others, but to me, he's awfully nice. Awfully. And I don't want him.

Jeremy is.. Bleh. What can I say? You're Singaporean. I do not marry foreigner, even if you're a doctor. Bwahaha! I've spent so many blogposts praising you before, so shut up. Let me praise others. Bwahaha!

Mali is.. just right. Mali is right. My loyalty is wasted. I let the good guys go, because I wish for a wrong guy. I let him go too, because it felt weird to see him as a boyfriend. -_- Better off friends.

~~~~~~~~

My dearest, favorite ex-boyfriend, 

From this time forth, I am officially abjuring you from my "to keep" list, and I declare you to be a permanent resident in my Shitville. I'll be damned if I waste another drop of tear for you. You are no longer welcome to contact me by any means, and you are to stay away from me as far as humanely possible. I no longer know you, nor will I affirm our previous affiliation, for you have hurt me more ways than anybody could.

With this, I wish you the best of luck.

Goodbye.

~~~~~~~~~

A girl can dream..

OKAY... 9 more days to go..

What I want for my birthday this year:

1. New XBOX controller

When Mali asked me, what I want for birthday, honest to God my first thought was these. Not necessarily COD controller (though if anyone would buy me one, I'd gladly marry him), any controller is fine. I'm in dire need of new xbox controller. My old one is just.. fuckugly. 

2. XBOX skin

My XBOX is currently naked. He wants new skin. My console is a male by the way, I spent hours dry-humping him.. virtually. 

3. Game collectibles.

a) Modern Warfare 2 Prestige Edition

b) Black Ops Prestige Edition

c) Fallout 3 Collector's Edition

d) Fallout: New Vegas Collector's Edition

e) Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood Collector's Edition

4. XBOX Kinect

5. XBOX mini felt controller key chain

6. Manchester United themed bedroom

7. To be a freelance writer

Or ghostwriting. Or to have my writings published. Same category.

8. New necklace

I don't wear rings anymore, only the rings HE gave me before. Which still fit perfectly by the way. So I'm a necklace girl now. I actually want a Tiffany's, or Cartier necklace. But since they cost a lifetime salaries, well.. You can't have everything.. The image above is an Assassin's Creed necklace. Beautiful, no?

9. Jane Austen Books

I already owned Northanger Abbey.. That leaves five of them. Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice, Mansfield Park, Emma and Persuasion.

10. To be as healthy as a horse.

No more meds, no more blood test, no more IV, no more transfusion, no more anything. I'm sick of doctors, no pun intended.

11. To have new muse.

Mali used to be my muse. Sort of. Now that we're quite blehhhhh, I need a new muse to keep me writing. I have two stories I haven't finished and the comments are screaming. :(

12. New boyfriend.

BWAHAHA that's Alex and Miller. Pfft. I want a guy who'll listen to Jazz, read a lot and also a fellow gamer. He's also must be able to withstand all my whining and immature behavior. Go figure. This kind of guy is usually fictional. -_-

13. Baby.

I don't care whose, I just want one.

14. Adobe After Effect

15. Fallout team tee

It's worn by Fallout development team. :(

Sigh.. Why are we not living in US...... where everything in my list is available.......? Whyyyyyyyyyy???!!!!

Cinderella

Her mom abuses? Eh, she had it coming. She was too weak to speak for herself. Then she's so naive that she married the first guy she saw. She didn't really know this guy, and she married him after one dance. What if the guy is a charming rapist, or a cold-blooded murderer? She's just lucky he happened to be a prince. So she became princess. Another bleh. She hasn't do anything productive, other than speaking to animals and scrubbing the floor her entire life, and after one dance, she's princess. Why she didn't think to poison her step-mom and step-sis with bleachers she used to scrub the floor is beyond me. So stupid. 

What is her good quality anyway, other than being fuckhot? She's good at mixing bleachers and she can talk to animals. That's handy, no?

Why the prince married her? Because he's amazed that the glass slipper didn't break when they were dancing, and he wanted to see her small feet again. The prince has a foot fetish.

:(

When we dreamed, it all seemed perfect.
We talked about risks, we were sure we can work it all out..
As long as we're together..

But when we started to plan..
Bit by bit, piece by piece..
Fell apart.

When we're in the 'friend zone', everything seemed dandy..
You saw my faults, you give me good advices.
I saw your flaws, I don't try to change you..
Because it's no string attached.
Because we both know, we're in this not for the long run.
Because we both agreed, we're not gonna stick with each other for a long time.

When we want to move up the ladder..
Good advices seemed like complains..
Acceptance seemed like indifference..

Suddenly, we have millions of dissimilarities.
Petty fights became dispute of the year..

When I asked you..
"How sure are you, that this is going to work?"
You said, ever so confident..
"99.9%, I'm sure of it."

I don't want to try..
I really don't..
Because I know, 0.1% is still a chance.
Because I know, in the end, it's going to end like this.

Everything was fine..
For almost a year..
In two weeks,
We destroyed everything.

Horrible.. horrible!

Last night I had a horrible dream.

Two of the most important persons in my life were.. Guess what? Hit by a garbage truck. And died on impact.

One, my best friend, Ret was hit while he was reversing his car, and one, my favorite ex, was hit while walking on the side of the road. Same truck. How stupid can he be? -_-

I can laugh it out now, but God knows I cried my eyes off the moment I woke up. Seriously, of all the unfortunate ways to go, that was theirs'.

I wish the truck would've swerved, and instead of hitting the two, it fell on top of Mali.

I'm tired. My back hurts like hell. I only slept for two hours. I still have to go to Tutong later at 9AM. And I have little idiots to tutor. How is English Primary 5 hard? Stupid. I can eat those papers and still score 100%....

I'm riding my emotional rollercoaster. Fucking hormones. I wish I'm a male.

Ret, sorry for the things I said on my FB status. Didn't really mean it. =/ But I still love you though. :D

As soon as I woke up (and finished crying), I called Mali. He was getting ready to ITB, (he put me on speaker while running around, getting dressed. He's awesome.) He asked me this.

"Do you honestly still have feelings for him?"

My answer was no, at the time. Well, I just got up and my brain hasn't kick in properly. But now, I guess, best answer I could come up with is:

If you loved someone more than anything in the world, it'd be lie to say that you feel absolutely nothing towards them anymore.