Forlorn

Have you ever feel down and found out that you have nobody to talk to?

Have you ever feel so stressed that you want to cry your eyes out, but you realized that you have no one to lend their shoulders?

Have you ever feel that you have so much secrets that burdens you and you want to spill it out, but then again, you have no one whom you trust to keep it?

Have you ever considered one as your true friend and then you heard them talking to others that you are "just some friend" to him/her?

I have. Trust me.

What aspects would you look into, if you want to classify your friends into close one, best one, acquaintance or beloved one? How do you earn the particular title? I’ve once read about a best friend is someone who is there for good or bad times, offer supports, doesn’t judge and love you unconditionally, regardless how often you meet. Plus, when you with them, you’re having fun. My question is, how would you know you’re having a good time? what or when do you consider a “good times”?

This is why I’m having problem trusting people. Because when you felt you’re having a good time with them, you think they support you, you think they don’t judge you and love you conditionally, they didn’t feel the same way as you did. you’re the only one who felt that. You considered them as beloved close best friends, you trust them not to judge you and not to talk shit behind your back. No, they don’t consider you as one. In fact, they judge, they talk, they trashed your feelings. When you know the truth, is it not hurt?

If a bestfriend is someone who regardless how often you meet,

1) is there for good or bad times,

2) offer supports,

3) doesn’t judge,

4) love you unconditionally,

5) you can trust to keep your secrets,

6) first person you think when you make plans,

7) you phone just to talk about nothing,

8) lend a shoulder to cry on,

9) tells everything you need to hear regardless of whether you want to hear it or not,

10) you can be around always and never get sick of,

11) you shared jokes together though no one else understands what are you two talking about

Then I have someone in my mind. It’s none other than Areef.

He

1) is there for good (.. the one I talked to when I was happy seeing dfj,) or bad times (.. the one I turned to when I knew I got rejected by unis)

2) offer supports (.. he told me what to do regarding my *invisible* love life)

3) doesn’t judge (.. even when I do stupid deeds)

4) love you unconditionally (.. he never said it but I know.)

5) you can trust to keep your secrets (.. stalking someone)

6) first person you think when you make plans, (.. emailing dfj which I never did)

7) you phone just to talk about nothing (.. did this.)

8)lend a shoulder to cry on (.. again, something to do with dfj)

9) tells everything you need to hear regardless of whether you want to hear it or not (.. told me how stupid and lame my *invisible love life is)

10) you can be around and never get sick of (.. we chatted through MSN like, every nights, a day without talking to him feels incomplete)

11) you shared jokes together though no one else understands what are you two talking about (.. as always, we shared jokes, its like our mind is somehow connected.)

But then again.. I don’t know.. We seemed distant lately. I don't know what's happening to us but it happened. Yet again, I don't know. Maybe I'm not that important to him after all. Well..

I envy those who can live alone without feeling lonely. I can understand why he (dfj) doesn’t trust others (according to his mate). I can understand why he doesn’t want to talk to others. I can see myself in him. He’s like my reflection. The only different is that I cannot bear the loneliness. He might survive isolation, I don’t. Being a talkative girl, I cannot stand a day without talking. But people will judge you for a word you say.

I don’t know who my best friend is, I doubt that I have one. It’s hard to admit but very true.

I don't want to be the only one who cares when they don't even bother. I don't want to be the only one who watch my words whenever I'm speaking because it's damn tiring. All these years, I have always been the one who struggled to preserve most of my friendships (if they even count as one) when they pretty much don't give a damn.

Life is stressing, burdening. If committing suicide isn't forbidden, I would gladly end my life right at this moment. Call me emo, whatever. I'm not a mannequin so I have every rights to be EMO-tional, don't you think? Ahh yes, I'm good at hiding feelings. Not just good, I'm superbly talented. How I wish I've never develop the "talent".. Ever.

However, dying isn't easy either. I have to think of the consequences too. He is the one who motivates me to keep breathing in this superficial, deceitful world. He's like a life-supporting machine to me. I truly, extremely, exceedingly, am in my lowest Mariana-Trench-depth-that-no-one-can-ever-reach point of life right now.

S.O.S