Pointless.

I grew up not with Spice Girl's songs, not Britney's, not Metallica's, not anyone's.

Ever since I can talk, I literally memorized these songs. Even though I didn't know their titles, the lyrics were like automatically (or magically, I'm not sure) embedded into my mind.

My favorites were (and still are, until now. Not in order):

Spring - Kita Ditakdirkan Jatuh Cinta



Kau dan aku sudah ditakdirkan bertemu..
Dan tiba-tiba kita jatuh cinta..
Ini semua sudah suratan Illahi
Dan kita harus hadapi kenyataan..

Data - Nyanyian Rindu Buat Kekasih



Tiada yang lain yang ku cinta, hanyalah padamu..
Tiada yang lain yang ku rindu, hanyalah dirimu..
Tiada yang lain yang ku mahu, hanyalah kasihmu..
Tiada yang lain yang ku puja, hanyalah dirimu..

Scoin - Rindu-Rinduan Jadi Kenangan..



Sakit hati ini bagai dihiris sembilu..
Sesak nafas ini bila ku mendapat tahu..
Kasih yang ku beri tak berharga..
Sayang, kau bermain dengan silang kata..
Hingga aku benar-benar jatuh cinta..
Sayang, sesungguhnya aku btak menduga..
Engkau insan yang tak boleh ku percaya..

Exist - Dirantai Digelangi Rindu



Kerna desakkan cintaku, dirantai digelangi rindu..
Sehinggakan diri sanggup mengalah kepadamu..
Dosa mu ku anggapkan debu, bisa diterbang angin yang lalu..
Ku sedia memaafkan mu, biar aku berparut seribu..

Arrow - Niat Hati Tak Nak Berpisah



Dah lama tak berjumpa, rindu rasa hati, ingin ku bertemu denganmu..
Biarpun hati ini menyatakan benci, namun hakikat kau masih ku sayang..
Mengapa kita berjumpa.. Dan mengapa kita bercinta..
Niat hatiku nak kekal lama hidup denganmu..


Niat hatiku tak nak berpisah.. Apakan daya jodoh tiada..
Kenangan demi kenangan menjelma di ingatan..
Sukarnya melupakan dirimu..
Rintihan demi rintihan menyeksa hidupku..
Aku derita keranamu..

It's cheesy as hell, I know.. But almost all Malay songs nowadays are craps.. I rather listen to the oldies all day, than listen to crap. These are (not past tense, mind you!) actually my dad's favorite songs.. When I was very young, the army used to have karaoke competition all the time. My brother and I used to sing with him when he practices. Now my brother loves Metallica-ish genre and embarassed to admit that he knows these songs. Prick. My dad is really good at singing so he kind of swept all the trophies.

I really should be sleeping. But ehh, I'm not working later. I'm... *cough* sick... *cough*.

So I sick-leaved. :)

God forbids, I'm not really sick though. I was just *ahem* pretending to be.

Additional ramble:

Do you remember the first time you think you love someone, but you actually don't? I'm not talking about my ex here, because I was truly in love with him. No.. I was talking about the time when you're very, very young and felt some kind of attraction towards someone and wanted to be with them all the time.. Have you ever? I have. I just noticed it. He's one of my childhood friend and we're still close to this day because he's my mum's friend's son. We were practically glued to each other back then. We still are.. Now he's 24 and for the first time, he likes a girl that isn't me. I kinda stopped talking to him for a while and then that's when I remembered that he'd also stopped talking to me too when I first had a boyfriend. I'm not jealous though.. Well, maybe a little bit. I just.. I'm not used to the feeling that he now care for another girl. It's not just me anymore. I told him this and he said I'm still his number one and no one can ever change that. Blah blah blah. It settled.

It still hurts. And it still sucks. And I'm still selfish. Pfft. This is why I will never accept anymore sibling. I'm a jealous bitch. I can barely stand it if my mum's (or anyone in my family for that matter) talking to my other little cousin. I'm gonna go like, "oy bitch, she's mine. Get your own mum." Or if any of my favorite brothers talk to our other cousins. I will go nuts, thinking they don't love and/or want me anymore.

I'm not normal. I have issue. Tell me something I don't already know.

In an open relationship with 'Mal Hma.

They say 'open relationship' is another term for 'swinger'. HAHAHA! Memajal ani bida ah mali!

Sweet torture. :D

If every time he's got PE is a distraction for me, I don't know how long I can handle it here. Shoooot. He already skates, quiet, terribly shy, overly mature, and now, I know he's good at basketball too. Lethal combination for me. This is too much. AHHHHHHHH damnation! I have a major crush. =/

.
.
.

Note to self: Never introduce a boyfriend to your mum because if you ever broke up one day, no matter how good a new guy is, your ex is still the better. If your ex is a fucking reporter, even ridiculous. 

Goodness, you don't have to repeat that you still love me and that I'm currently ignoring you for being too fucking busy. Believe me, everyone fucking knows already. Everyone thinks I'm a bitch with a capital B, no thanks to you. 

Crisis of life

So.. You familiar with the term midlife crisis, right? Yeah, I just turned 20 last month, and I believe I’m experiencing early life crisis. No kidding.

Because you see, I have this nonsensically strong desire to be married. I don’t know when it started; I just know that I want to marry. Right now. Whenever I see people happily married, or marriages crumbling, I think to myself, “I can do better.”

I am not delusional. I know I’m not perfect. I am immature. I’m 20, but sometimes I tend to act like I’m 12. If I want something, you must give it to me because if you don’t, I will whine about it every second. I am irrational. Sometimes, even if I know I’m wrong, I don’t want to apologize. I’m a whiny, irrational and ungrateful bitch.

But I need someone who can see underneath all that, there’s something worth loving.

I need someone who can deal with me, like my mum does. I need someone who can listen to me tolerantly when I whine. I need someone who can tell me that I’m being stupid, fight with me till I cry and still hug me at the end of the day. I need someone who can treat me like a child that I am, and still respect me as an adult. I need someone who don’t put up with my shit but sometimes entertain it. I need someone who can cook for me and tell me he loves me even though I am awfully lazy.

I need someone who can love me unreservedly, no matter how difficult I am to deal with.

20 more years from now, I will be having midlife crisis. I expect that I will whine about how I hate my stupid husband. I expect that I will regret my decision of having his babies and blame them for my hideous figure. Then I will be attracted to younger men, because they seem fun and adventurous, unlike my boring husband who all he does when he come home from work are cook. I will want inexperienced younger men because they’ll do what I want without questioning me, unlike my husband who points out my mistake and fight me when I say fuck him. I will want younger men because at 40, I will feel like I’m still young and I need to be with someone who can understand me, unlike my husband who seem way too old for me.

And 40 years from now, I will be having late life crisis. I know that I will be crying on my bed, holding my aged husband’s hand while he sleeps. I will be recalling every memories of my life with him and cry even harder. I will look at him and know that I won’t want any others to father my babies but him. I will be remembering how he cooks and does the laundry when after I whine to him about my sore feet after work. I will be remembering how he will massage my sore body after we’re done eating, even though I know he was also stressed about work. I will be remembering the way he whispers to me that he promises to protect me from making stupid mistakes that will only hurt me in the end, even if he has to fight me. I will be tracing every wrinkle in his face, knowing that each wrinkle represents his worry for me, and for our children.

And he wakes up, and asks me why I am crying. I will tell him how remorseful I am for being selfish and I feel guilty because he stuck with me when he can have nicer girl and be a lot happier. Then he will pull me to his arm and whisper to me, like he always does whenever I cry, “If we can turn back the time, I will marry you again in a heartbeat.”

I will know that I can never hope for any better man to spend my last days with.

Honestly, I don’t know when this turned to a story. I just wanted to rant about how I’m having an early life crisis. -_-

I guess I failed to mention that I have a crazy wide imagination. And concentration problem. Yep, my future husband sure has a lot to deal with.

Can't sleep, I'm rambling!

My mum will start her therapy this week. Or so. My head aches. I can't sleep. I'm afraid.. This hurts. :(

I'm wondering if I should change my blog's name. But I love my blog's name. Sigh..

I went to my family get-together, which I don't really like. Especially when they invite distant ones. I hate crowds and distant families are no exception. There are so many fakes and judgmental jerks. They didn't come to us when we needed them, and when they finally did, all they do is tell us what we should and should not do. Or they just boast about how lives are good. It usually made my closer ones felt bad about their lives after that, but they still invite the distant ones because "they're still family". Fuckers. IMO, just because they're blood-related, doesn't mean they're family. I have a family here, those who are not blood-related to me. I don't need them fuckers. I still have Areef, Myzah, Leena, Abg Afi, Ryan. I still have those who would wipe my tears when I cry, those who would pick me up when I'm down, and those who would stand my screams and whines even if I called them at two in the morning. I still have those who loves me unconditionally. These are my family, and screw the blood.

In those awful events, my brothers and sister are what make it tolerable.

Eh, I looked horrible, I know. I spent the entire day in the hospital with mum, and then went to the get-together. I was beyond exhausted. I could care less about appearance. I wouldn't have come if it weren't for my sister's pleading. And brother's. Bless them. <3